I can see clearly now

The view from my couch is austere but pleasant.  Steel against brick against sky.  Blue sky.  Cool breeze.  There is visible between the lattice pattern of the 9th floor deck rail the faintest outline of glistening spider webs.  I see them clearly even without my glasses.

I am far away from home.  Far away from all that was familiar to me.

How did I get here?  Here in a unfamiliar place, in the best job I have ever had.  Here in almost in the best shape I have ever known.

How indeed?  A combination of despair, discipline, failure and opportunity.

I broke apart.  Then breath by breath and tear by tear I put myself back together.  It took 6 years.

I took care of myself. I learned to love my body.  I learned to love the feel of my body moving in strength.  This one is important.  Strength breeds courage.  More lean and strong I was able to face my fear of flying and get on a plane to interview 900 miles away.  Lean and strong I dressed to please myself and enter rooms with my head held up high. Lean and strong I learned that I could fail and flounder and still thrive.

The owning the lean and strong is still precarious.  Hard times still bend me and my face is sometimes wet with tears.  I know my tears are a luxury.  To have the worries I have today is a luxury.

So I see the glistening webs and feel the Nebraska breeze and remember.  I can see now, see clearly the foundation hard times laid for my success.  I can see my transformation.

For tonight, that is more than enough to bring me peace.

Of Love and Age

There is a level of heartbreak that turns everything to ash.

A child’s illness, the mental and the physical ones that break minds and bodies; their helplessness and the unbidden cry from deep within your soul to any deity to take their pain and make it yours.

Watching a parent lose every memory and with each loss feeling the child within you weep in despair of ever knowing you were ever really loved.

Then the loss of a lifelong friend, lover and intellectual equal, drink by drink.

Salvation is discipline. Getting up, washing, eating, working, moving and seeking any tiny bit of joy to heal the pain.

I miss the long days of my sons’ childhoods and reading them stories; I wish I could have done better at being strong for both of them.

I miss my mom.

I miss my friend.

I miss being young.

Redemption, Love and Other Challenges

After many failed marriages I begin again, not with a marriage, but with a relationship that transcended all the marriages and relationships. A relationship based upon 20 years of unvarnished truth. A relationship, that although lovely, is stripped of the pretty illusions of happily ever after.

But first a story.

My little mother is living with dementia. She lived with me for almost two years until seizures, a serious fall and cdiff stressed her already frail body. She resides now in a residential facility that offers what few, if any, nursing homes offer – true community.

More on that later.

I sit with my mom many evenings and answer questions about her life. Long stretches of family memory have vanished. Most of her memory of my life is gone. To everyone she beams and says “this is my daughter.” I can do no wrong. I am her protector and her joy. This is a blessing for me, a chance to make up for the heartache and worry my life choices caused her tender heart.

One evening she asked me “are you married?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Mommy I have been married before and it never worked out.”

“Really?”

“Yes really. Mommy do you know how many times I have been married?”

“No, how many?”

“Five.”

Silence for a moment.

“No, you’re kidding.”

“No, really five times.”

She then turns to her best friend Evelyn and says “can you believe she has been married five times?”

Evelyn, who has been married over 70 years says to me …

“What’s wrong with you?”

Food for thought.

Why did I always leave instead of stay and work through situations that developed, in part, from my issues.

Abandon or be abandoned.

Now, I am committed to staying the course, which at this late stage of the more likely includes illness, infirmity, wrinkles and death.

La Shana Tova!

Best wishes for the new year!

Kevin Piskura – Not Forgotten

In the 2 years since Kevin’s death many more have died.

358. April 24, 2008: Kevin Piskura, 24, Cincinnati, Ohio
359. April 24, 2008: Dewayne Chatt, 39, Memphis, Tennessee
360. April 27, 2008: Paul Thompson, 24, Greensboro, North Carolina
361. April 28, 2008: Jermaine Ward, 28, Jackson, Tennessee
362. May 4, 2008: Joe Kubat, 21, St. Paul, Minnesota
363. May 6, 2008: James S. Wilson, 22, Alton, Missouri
364. May 28, 2008: Ricardo Manuel Abrahams, 44, Woodland, California
365. May 31, 2008: Robert Ingram, 27, Raceland, Louisiana
366. June 5, 2008: Willie Maye, 43, Birmingham, Alabama
367. June 6, 2008: Donovan Graham, 39, Meriden, Connecticut
368. June 8, 2008: Quintrell T. Brannon, 25, Vincennes, Indiana
369. June 9, 2008: Tony Curtis Bradway, 26, Brooklyn, New York
370. June 23, 2008: Jeffrey Marreel, 36, Norfolk, Ontario
371. June 24, 2008: Ernest Graves, 26, Rockford, Illinois
372. June 27, 2008: Nicholas Cody, 27, Dothan, Alabama
373. July 2, 2008: Isaac Bass, 34, Louisville, Kentucky
374. July 4, 2008: Othello Pierre, 23, Baton Rouge, Louisiana
375. July 8, 2008: Samuel DeBoise, 29, St. Louis, Missouri
376. July 8, 2008: Carlos Vargas, 42, San Bernardino, California
377. July 14, 2008: Marion Wilson Jr., 52, Houston, Texas
378. July 14, 2008: Deshoun Keyon Torrence, 18, Long Beach, California
379. July 22, 2008: Michael Langan, 17, Winnipeg, Manitoba
380. July 23, 2008: Richard Smith, 46, Dallas, Texas
381. July 26, 2008: Anthony Davidson, Statesville, 29, North Carolina
382. August 4, 2008: Jerry Jones, 45, Beaumont, Texas
383. August 4, 2008: Andre Thomas, 37, Swissvale, Pennsylvania
384. August 2, 2008: Lawrence Rosenthal, 54, Hemet, California
385. August 10, 2008: Kiethedric Hines, 31, Rockford, Illinois
386. August 15, 2008: Kenneth Oliver, 45, Miami, Florida
387. August 25, 2008: Ronald Adkisson, 59, Creston, Iowa
388. August 29, 2008: Stanley James Harlan, 23, Moberly, Missouri
389. September 3, 2008: Prince Swayzer, 38, San Jose, California
390. September 3, 2008: Andy Tran, 32, Garden Grove, California
391. September 11, 2008: Roney Wilson, 46, Hillsborough, Florida
392. September 17, 2008: Sean Reilly, 42, Mississauga, Ontario
393. September 19, 2008: Gabriel Bitterman, 23, Lincoln, Nebraska
394. September 25, 2008: Iman Morales, 35, New York, New York
395. September 30, 2008: Frank Frachette, 49, Langley, BC
396. October 1, 2008: Jose Anibal Amaro, 45, Orange County, Florida
397. October 18, 2008: Homer Taylor, 39, Chicago, Illinois
398. October 29, 2008: Trevor Grimolfson, 38, Edmonton, Alberta
399. October 31, 2008: Marlon Oliver Acevedo, 35, Riverside, California
400. November 2, 2008: Gordon Walker Bowe, 30, Calgary, Alberta
401. November 3, 2008: Adren Maurice Turner, 44, Mexia, Texas
402. November 10, 2008: Guy James Fernandez, 42, Santa Rosa, California
403. December 3, 2008: Leroy Hughes, 52, Covington, Kentucky
404. December 9, 2008: Quincy Smith, 24, Minneapolis, Minnesota
405. December 19, 2008: Edwin Rodriguez, 26, San Jose, California
406. December 21, 2008: Nathan Vaughn, 39, Santa Rosa, California
407. December 24, 2008: Mark Green, 46, Houston, Texas

2009

408. January 8, 2009: Derrick Jones, 17, Martinsville, Virginia
409. January 11, 2009: Rodolfo Lepe, 31, Bakersfield, California
410. January 22, 2009: Roger Redden, 52, Soddy Daisy, Tennessee
411. February 2, 2009: Garrett Jones, 45, Stockton, California
412. February 11, 2009: Richard Lua, 28, San Jose, California
413. February 13, 2009: Rudolph Byrd, Age Unknown, Thomas County, Florida
414. February 13, 2009: Michael Jones, 43, Iberia, Louisiana
415. February 14, 2009: Chenard Kierre Winfield, 32, Los Angeles, California
416. February 28, 2009: Robert Lee Welch, 40, Conroe, Texas
417. March 22, 2009: Brett Elder, 15, Bay City, Michigan
418. March 26, 2009: Marcus D. Moore, 40, Freeport, Illinois
419. April 1, 2009: John J. Meier Jr., 48, Tamarac, Florida
420. April 6, 2009: Ricardo Varela, 41, Fresno, California
421. April 10, 2009: Robert Mitchell, 16, Detroit, Michigan
422. April 13, 2009: Craig Prescott, 38, Modesto, California
423. April 16, 2009: Gary A. Decker, 50, Tuscon, Arizona
424. April 18, 2009: Michael Jacobs Jr., 24, Fort Worth, Texas
425. April 30, 2009: Kevin LaDay, 35, Lumberton, Texas
426. May 4, 2009: Gilbert Tafoya, 53, Holbrook, Arizona
427. May 6, 2009: Grant William Prentice, 40, Brooks, Alberta
428. May 17, 2009: Jamaal Ray Valentine, 27, La Marque, Texas
429. May 23, 2009: Gregory Rold, 37, Salem, Oregon
430. June 9, 2009: Brian Layton Cardall, 32, Hurricane, Utah
431. June 13, 2009: Dwight Jerome Madison, 48, Baltimore, Maryland
432. June 20, 2009: Derek Kairney, 36, South Windsor, Connecticut
433. June 29, 2009: Shawn Iinuma, 37, Fontana, California
434. July 2, 2009: Rory McKenzie, 25, Bakersfield, California
435. July 30, 2009: Jonathan Michael Nelson, 27, Riverside County, California
436. August 9, 2009: Terrace Clifton Smith, 52, Moreno Valley, California
437. August 12, 2009: Ernest Owen Ridlehuber III, 53, Greenwood, South Carolina
438. August 14, 2009: Hakim Jackson, 31, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
439. August 18, 2009: Ronald Eugene Cobbs, 38, Greensboro, North Carolina
440. August 20, 2009: Francisco P. Sesate, 36, Mesa, Arizona
441. August 22, 2009: T.J. Nance, 37, Arizona City, Arizona
442. August 26, 2009: Miguel Molina, 27, Los Angeles, California
443. August 27, 2009: Manuel Dante Dent, 27, Modesto, California
444. September 7, 2009: Shane Ledbetter, 38, Aurora, Colorado
445. September 16, 2009: Alton Warren Ham, 45, Modesto, California
446. September 19, 2009: Yuceff W. Young II, Brooklyn, Ohio
447. September 21, 2009: Richard Battistata, 44, Laredo, Texas
448. September 28, 2009: Derrick Humbert, 38, Bradenton, Florida
449. October 2, 2009: Rickey R. Massey, 38, Panama City, Florida
450. October 12, 2009: Christopher John Belknap, 36, Ukiah, California
451. October 17, 2009: Frank Cleo Sutphin, 19, San Bernardino, California
452. October 27, 2009: Jeffrey C. Woodward, 33, Gallatin, Tennessee
453. November 13, 2009: Herman George Knabe, 58, Corpus Christi, Texas
454. November 14, 2009: Darryl Bain, 43, Long Island, New York
455. November 16, 2009: Matthew Bolick, 30, East Grand Rapids, Michigan
456. November 17, 2009: Edward Buckner, 53, Chattanooga, Tennessee
457. November 19, 2009: Jesus Gillard, 61, Bloomfield Township, Michigan
458. November 21, 2009: Ronald Petruney, 49, Washington County, Pennsylvania
459. December 10, 2009: Hatchel Pate Adams III, 36, Hampton, Virginia
460. December 11, 2009: Paul Martin Martinez Jr., 36, Roseville, California
461. December 11, 2009: Andrew Grande, Panama City Beach, 23, Florida
462. December 13, 2009: Douglas Boucher, 39, Mason, Ohio
463. December 20, 2009: Preston Bussey III, 41, Rockledge, Florida
464. December 21, 2009: Michael D. Hawkins, 39, Springfield, Missouri
465. December 30, 2009: Stephen Palmer, 47, Stamford, Connecticut

2010

466. January 6, 2010: Delano R. Smith, 21, Elkhart, Indiana
467. January 17, 2010: William R. Bumbrey III, 36, Arlington, Virginia
468. January 20, 2010: Kelly Brinson, 45, Cincinnati, Ohio
469. January 27, 2010: Joe Nathan Spruill Jr., 33, Goldsboro, North Carolina
470. January 28, 2010: Patrick Burns, 50, Sangamon County, Illinois
471. January 28, 2010: Daniel Mingo, 25, Mobile, Alabama
472. February 8, 2010: Mark Andrew Morse, 36, Phoenix, Arizona
473. March 4, 2010: Roberto Olivo, 33, Tulare, California
474. March 5, 2010: Christopher A. Wright, 48, Seattle, Washington
475. March 10, 2010: Jaesun Ingles, 31, Midlothian, Illinois
476. March 10, 2010: James J. Healy, 44, Rhinebeck, New York
477. March 19, 2010: Albert Valencia, 31, Downey, California
478. April 10, 2010: Daniel Joseph Barga, 24, Cornelius, Oregon
480. April 30, 2010: Adil Jouamai, 32, Arlington, Virginia

Source – Truth not Tasers

See also Stunning the Public into Submission

The Tragic Death of Kevin Piskura – One Year Later the Taser Death March Continues

Today marks the one year anniversary of a young man making a foolish decision.

Young men do that sometimes – they drink too much or get in fights.

Kevin Piskura got in a bar fight April 19th – it is reported that he interfered with police officers trying to arrest his friend. It is reported that the police tried to subdue him and then they tasered him.

He collapsed and they handcuffed him.

Then they noticed he was having trouble breathing.

They rushed him to a hospital.

And five days later he was dead.

I am the parent of 2 sons, I can only imagine what Kevin’s parents went through those five days he fought for his life. I can only imagine how their hearts must ache each and every day.

This coming Thursday will mark the one year anniversary of Kevin’s death – during this year, in North America  alone, 64 more people have died after being tasered.  Some were mentally ill, some on drugs, some foolish – virtually all were unarmed.  The oldest was 54, the youngest was 15. Yes – 15.

Tasers are not non-lethal.  There are safer non-lethal ways to subdue.

Please become informed – urge your legislators to outlaw tasers.

To Kevin’s parents – my thoughts are with you.   I am so sorry for your loss.

340. April 24, 2008: Kevin Piskura, 24, Cincinnati, Ohio
341. April 24, 2008: Dewayne Chatt, 39, Memphis, Tennessee
342. April 27, 2008: Paul Thompson, 24, Greensboro, North Carolina
343. April 28, 2008: Jermaine Ward, 28, Jackson, Tennessee
344. May 4, 2008: Joe Kubat, 21, St. Paul, Minnesota
345. May 6, 2008: James S. Wilson, 22, Alton, Missouri
346. May 28, 2008: Ricardo Manuel Abrahams, 44, Woodland, California
347. May 31, 2008: Robert Ingram, 27, Raceland, Louisiana
348. June 5, 2008: Willie Maye, 43, Birmingham, Alabama
349. June 6, 2008: Donovan Graham, 39, Meriden, Connecticut
350. June 8, 2008: Quintrell T. Brannon, 25, Vincennes, Indiana
351. June 9, 2008: Tony Curtis Bradway, 26, Brooklyn, New York
352. June 23, 2008: Jeffrey Marreel, 36, Norfolk, Ontario
353. June 24, 2008: Ernest Graves, 26, Rockford, Illinois
354. June 27, 2008: Nicholas Cody, 27, Dothan, Alabama
355. July 2, 2008: Isaac Bass, 34, Louisville, Kentucky
356. July 4, 2008: Othello Pierre, 23, Baton Rouge, Louisiana
357. July 8, 2008: Samuel DeBoise, 29, St. Louis, Missouri
358. July 8, 2008: Carlos Vargas, 42, San Bernardino, California
359. July 14, 2008: Marion Wilson Jr., 52, Houston, Texas
360. July 14, 2008: Deshoun Keyon Torrence, 18, Long Beach, California
361. July 22, 2008: Michael Langan, 17, Winnipeg, Manitoba
362. July 23, 2008: Richard Smith, 46, Dallas, Texas
363. July 26, 2008: Anthony Davidson, Statesville, 29, North Carolina
364. August 4, 2008: Jerry Jones, 45, Beaumont, Texas
365. August 4, 2008: Andre Thomas, 37, Swissvale, Pennsylvania
366. August 2, 2008: Lawrence Rosenthal, 54, Hemet, California
367. August 10, 2008: Kiethedric Hines, 31, Rockford, Illinois
368. August 15, 2008: Kenneth Oliver, 45, Miami, Florida
369. August 25, 2008: Ronald Adkisson, 59, Creston, Iowa
370. August 29, 2008: Stanley James Harlan, 23, Moberly, Missouri
371. September 3, 2008: Prince Swayzer, 38, San Jose, California
372. September 3, 2008: Andy Tran, 32, Garden Grove, California
373. September 11, 2008: Roney Wilson, 46, Hillsborough, Florida
374. September 17, 2008: Sean Reilly, 42, Mississauga, Ontario
375. September 19, 2008: Gabriel Bitterman, 23, Lincoln, Nebraska
376. September 25, 2008: Iman Morales, 35, New York, New York
377. September 30, 2008: Frank Frachette, 49, Langley, BC
378. October 1, 2008: Jose Anibal Amaro, 45, Orange County, Florida
379. October 18, 2008: Homer Taylor, 39, Chicago, Illinois
380. October 29, 2008: Trevor Grimolfson, 38, Edmonton, Alberta
381. October 31, 2008: Marlon Oliver Acevedo, 35, Riverside, California
382. November 2, 2008: Gordon Walker Bowe, 30, Calgary, Alberta
383. November 3, 2008: Adren Maurice Turner, 44, Mexia, Texas
384. November 10, 2008: Guy James Fernandez, 42, Santa Rosa, California
385. December 3, 2008: Leroy Hughes, 52, Covington, Kentucky
386. December 9, 2008: Quincy Smith, 24, Minneapolis, Minnesota
387. December 19, 2008: Edwin Rodriguez, 26, San Jose, California
388. December 21, 2008: Nathan Vaughn, 39, Santa Rosa, California
389. December 24, 2008: Unidentified man, 46, Houston, Texas
390. January 9, 2009: Derrick Jones, 17, Martinsville, Virginia
391. January 11, 2009: Rodolfo Lepe, 31, Bakersfield, California
392. January 22, 2009: Roger Redden, 52, Soddy Daisy, Tennessee
393. February 2, 2009: Garrett Jones, 45, Stockton, California
394. February 11, 2009: Richard Lua, 28, San Jose, California
395. February 13, 2009: Rudolph Byrd, Age Unknown, Thomas County, Florida
396. February 13, 2009: Michael Jones, 43, Iberia, Louisiana
397. February 14, 2009: Chenard Kierre Winfield, 32, Los Angeles, California
398. February 28, 2009: Robert Lee Welch, 40, Conroe, Texas
399. March 22, 2009: Brett Elder, 15, Bay City, Michigan
400. March 26, 2009: Marcus D. Moore, 40, Freeport, Illinois
401. April 1, 2009: John J. Meier Jr., 48, Tamarac, Florida
402. April 6, 2009: Ricardo Varela, 41, Fresno, California
403. April 10, 2009: Robert Mitchell, 16, Detroit, Michigan
404. April 16, 2009: Gary A. Decker, 50, Tuscon, Arizona

Source: Truth Not Tasers

Five Husbands on Tasers:

Yet Again – Another Taser Death

Taser International’s Legal Clout Takes a Hit

Forget Tupperware – Now You Can Have a Taser Party

Tasers and the Republican National Convention

Widespread Use of Tasers by Law Enforcement Sees Inevitable Rise in Accidental Deaths

Taser Death March Continues – 20 More Since  Kevin Piskura’s Death

Taser v. Tomato

Grim Statistics – Taser Deaths Keep Rising

Spring

in time of daffodils(who know

the goal of living is to grow)

forgetting why,remember how

in time of lilacs who proclaim

the aim of waking is to dream,

remember so(forgetting seem)

in time of roses(who amaze

our now and here with paradise)

forgetting if,remember yes

in time of all sweet things beyond

whatever mind may comprehend,

remember seek(forgetting find)

and in a mystery to be

(when time from time shall set us free)

forgetting me,remember me

–e.e. cummings

Yellow Daffodil

Twitter Friends

Get your twitter mosaic here.

The pleasure of simple things

You have no idea the delight of a full shopping cart or sitting across a restaurant table sharing a meal with my son or being able to say yes – those $31 dollar jeans – yes we can get those.

I pay the phone bill, the gas bill, the electric bill and I marvel at how blessed I am to have found a job.

I take nothing for granted, but oh how I enjoy the pleasure of these small things.

Rethinking Love

It has been (is it possible?) 3 years since I split up with No. 5; he pretty much suffocated my belief in love. For the first time in forever I couldn’t imagine loving anyone again.

Ever.

This was/is a good thing. For the first time in forever I wasn’t turning myself inside out to please someone else for a few crumbs of affection. I never looked back, but neither did I look forward.

A comment on my blog the other day got me thinking about love again. The commenter, a 5 time divorcee, noted that people make comments on the number of experiences, and, I think, wonder why she doesn’t just give up.

I, in essence gave up.

But this video made me wonder – is love still possible – still possible after baggage and bitterness, hard knocks and anger?

Have I given up too soon?

Tip of the hat to Shape+Colour for the link.