Rethinking Love

It has been (is it possible?) 3 years since I split up with No. 5; he pretty much suffocated my belief in love. For the first time in forever I couldn’t imagine loving anyone again.


This was/is a good thing. For the first time in forever I wasn’t turning myself inside out to please someone else for a few crumbs of affection. I never looked back, but neither did I look forward.

A comment on my blog the other day got me thinking about love again. The commenter, a 5 time divorcee, noted that people make comments on the number of experiences, and, I think, wonder why she doesn’t just give up.

I, in essence gave up.

But this video made me wonder – is love still possible – still possible after baggage and bitterness, hard knocks and anger?

Have I given up too soon?

Tip of the hat to Shape+Colour for the link.


9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Pammy Girl
    Feb 17, 2009 @ 21:29:49

    You have a tremendous amount of faith and I’m impressed you tried at all, much less 5 times. I’ve never been married and sadly, don’t think I ever will. Sadly because I’m about to be 36 and you know what? Being alone SUCKS. I cherish my independence and my strong will but just once, I’d like to do things with someone other than myself. I’d like to actually tell someone (other than calling my mother) how my day went. I want to share my life with someone but I can’t seem to pull my head out of my ass.

    I’ve been feeling pretty low lately and have been in a dark place. I’m inspired that although none of your marriages were perfect, there were some elements of happiness in them or else you wouldn’t have tried again. You’ve had a rough time over the past few years but ever since you got your new job, I’ve seen changes in you. It seems as though the hard shell is melting away and you’re slowly becoming you again. Thank you.

    Pam – finding your blog in the midst of my job search and sharing the ups, downs and foibles of your journey reminded both that we all struggle and we are not alone. Your humor and humanity gave me strength through the process.


  2. MB Matthews
    Feb 22, 2009 @ 00:43:05


    This post made me do a bit of thinking myself.
    After 19 years of pain, lies, heartache, disgust and shame I’d finally gathered the strength to divorce a very sick and destructive man. The tough lessons of that relationship were over, and I was ready to move on.
    There is a saying, “When the student is ready the teacher appears.” I believe that when the heart is ready the lover will appear.
    If baggage, bitterness, anger, and hard knocks were all it took to kill hopeful spirits, then neither you nor I would still be around.
    Did you give up too soon?
    No Judy, I don’t think you have really given up at all.

    Your comment hit home – if I am writing about it clearly it is in the back of my mind.


  3. pamajama
    Feb 22, 2009 @ 07:06:05

    I really don’t think giving up is even an option. Tomorrow someone could walk into your life and re-awaken the dormant piece that’s inside you, the part that was hopeful enough to marry five times. And I think putting the number on it is really such a false and unfortunate thing — I mean, how many people have had FIFTY relationships, or slept with 70 men 20 times each? I mean, you could marry any one of those — or not — and that small piece of the relationship because this huge individual number that adds up to 5! My first boyfriend was very serious, so was number ten — so count that as two – I had two serious boyfriends in college, which make it four — add my son’s father, whom I never married, plus the guy I “married for 3 weeks” and then had it annulled — you could realistically count my husband as #7!!!

    I certainly think that in regard to your relationships with your sons, a break has been a good thing. But in the future — the sky’s the limit. You’ve taken the time to get to know yourself, you’ve flogged yourself to the nth degree, plus been scorched by the universe. There are great things to come & it’s entirely up to you whether that means another relationship or marriage. Don’t count it out just because you believe you should be punished for marrying five times previously. F*ck that! You didn’t do anything wrong. Sh*t happens:)


  4. pamajama
    Feb 22, 2009 @ 07:08:26

    “Became” this huge individual number.

    I sound very bossy & sure of myself, don’t I? Hmm, wonder where that comes from – lol.

    I agree with all you write in principle, but in reality people don’t judge serial monogamists – just the ones who walk down the aisle. Perhaps someone will walk in my life, but right now I am learning to deal with nights, weekends and holidays alone. My friends who are married do couple things and it is very weird to a 3rd wheel.


  5. sarvasoap
    Feb 23, 2009 @ 19:09:18

    Your very last statement in your comments: “My friends who are married do couple things and it is very weird to a 3rd wheel.” This hit me as much as your blog post did.

    I feel this way around people who have children, generally when my friends’ kids are smaller. I’ll be 39 next week… it’s pretty much too late. This causes me pain I can’t even describe.

    But here’s the thing. That third wheel situation… I am very uncomfortable with married folks who put their single friends in that position. Just as I don’t think it’s fair for my friends with kids to keep that as the only agenda when spending time with someone who’s childless. (please note, I don’t put you in this category!)

    What you have right now, whether you want it or not ;-), is time to be yourself… for yourself. And I wonder if your feeling that you never could love again was your soul’s way of telling you it NEEDED this time. Even if it’s incredibly difficult. I know all too well that the soul and the heart aren’t always in sync.

    I hope this all makes sense and is helpful, and isn’t just drivel pouring from my weird brain.

    Sending you love.

    – M

    No, it isn’t drivel, you are right. It is weird to be with friends with whom you are both in, and out of sync. I think the deeper sentiment within my post is being without family of origin to hunker down with for holidays and trouble (wait, holidays are trouble!)


  6. sarvasoap
    Feb 23, 2009 @ 22:34:42

    Holidays ARE trouble! I share your pain on the family of origin thing. I completely empathize. I’ve pushed them out of my life (holidays, not family… they disappeared of their own free will LOL). It’s hard. I guess this is what people mean when they talk about choosing or creating your family.


  7. Sonsa Rae
    Feb 25, 2009 @ 15:45:17

    Give up??? Never!!!


  8. Sonsa Rae
    Feb 25, 2009 @ 15:46:36

    My motto is: SWSWSWN! This translates to: Some will, some won’t, so what, next!


  9. sue
    Feb 03, 2010 @ 12:40:32

    Never ever give up — yes, love is possible after bitterness, broken hearts, and even resentment.

    Love lies within us and all it takes is to be set free.



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