I can see clearly now

The view from my couch is austere but pleasant.  Steel against brick against sky.  Blue sky.  Cool breeze.  There is visible between the lattice pattern of the 9th floor deck rail the faintest outline of glistening spider webs.  I see them clearly even without my glasses.

I am far away from home.  Far away from all that was familiar to me.

How did I get here?  Here in a unfamiliar place, in the best job I have ever had.  Here in almost in the best shape I have ever known.

How indeed?  A combination of despair, discipline, failure and opportunity.

I broke apart.  Then breath by breath and tear by tear I put myself back together.  It took 6 years.

I took care of myself. I learned to love my body.  I learned to love the feel of my body moving in strength.  This one is important.  Strength breeds courage.  More lean and strong I was able to face my fear of flying and get on a plane to interview 900 miles away.  Lean and strong I dressed to please myself and enter rooms with my head held up high. Lean and strong I learned that I could fail and flounder and still thrive.

The owning the lean and strong is still precarious.  Hard times still bend me and my face is sometimes wet with tears.  I know my tears are a luxury.  To have the worries I have today is a luxury.

So I see the glistening webs and feel the Nebraska breeze and remember.  I can see now, see clearly the foundation hard times laid for my success.  I can see my transformation.

For tonight, that is more than enough to bring me peace.

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