When you care enough to send the very best, or “smoked meat redux”

Inspired by yet another gift of frozen meat received on my doorstep. No card – corporate label greeting only. What do you send to family when you don’t really know them, haven’t seen them in years, nor do you really care about who you are sending it too and you would rather have to watch Golden Girls reruns until doomsday rather than break bread with these people. Do what my family does – send a meat or dry food product. It is expensive, lets you say, without saying, “hey we are SO much more successful than you so we can afford to send these expensive products across the county – and by the way – we really don’t care how you are doing or how your life is going – we just want to be able to tell Mom – we tried and you are a loser.’

Thanks family. We are grateful but we would have appreciated a heartfelt “hello – how are you; it has been way too long.”

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Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like smoked meat

It is a given that most families are dysfunctional and that the holidays are the Dysfunction Olympics. My family has taken gold 3 years running and I am quite sure we are good as gold this year, notwithstanding Jamie Spears’ teen baby not so shocker. We are, after all, competing in the Senior Division (all sibs and their spouses over the age of 50).

Events in the senior division include: 1. tightest ass at a family event (not including a funeral); 2. coldest shoulder at a family event (again not including a funeral); 3. “mom has always like me best” ; 4. “my children are better than your children”; 5. name the biggest disappointment (team competition); 6. “I know what’s best for mom”; and 7. Funeral free for all or “let me tell you what I really think of you.”

The Holiday Dysfunction Olympics does not require that we build a “village.” In fact the further you have moved from home and isolated your castle and fiefdom the higher the judges score. Thanksgiving kicks off the opening ceremonies. If you received a phone call from mom – score 5.1; if mom is staying with you – score 10; if mom isn’t staying with you and you receive phone calls from mom and all the sibs – and you don’t have to place any of those calls – 8.9; if neither mom or the sibs call – 0.0 – you’ve been bounced from the games for “alleged misconduct.”