Seeking Balance

When I was unemployed I had too much free time.

Waking up each morning, the day stretched out like a cross country drive with no scenery.  Nothing distinguished morning from night.  I functioned on auto-pilot doing the mundane necessary daily tasks until I settled onto the couch where  I became stillness personified. Not the stillness that comes from peace, rather the stillness that comes from fear.

Now, I have no free time.

Waking up each morning I have a drive stretched out that bookmarks morning and night.  In the office the day moves at such a pace I rarely notice anything but the files in front of me.  I fly through the mundane self care tasks of my morning, hit the road (fast) mile after mile until I arrive at work, climb the stairs to my office, where (you know what’s coming)  I sit still. Not the stillness of peace, rather a frenetic Ihavetofinisheverything stillness.

The constant fear of homelessness, of not having food, of not being able to do or go anywhere is easing. But guess what replaces it? The gnawing fear of not being successful enough at work; the fear of not being busy enough at work, fear even in the face of mountains of work.

I love my job; I am beyond grateful to have a job.

I am so stressed by the fact of the job in juxtaposition to the economy and factoring in my age and years left to work and debt and the bills from my hospitalization (BP 240/160) in November (no medical care/no money for docs) and utility bills and car payment bills that my neck is often in spasm and I get migraines.

Seeking balance, I balance my hours and look forward to sleep.  Seeking balance I ask forgiveness of myself, for myself.

It takes time to rebuild a life where poverty has been an issue.

I need time.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Barbara Abramson
    Feb 12, 2009 @ 23:15:45

    I think you are doing an amazing job. Be gentle with yourself! Everyday, the debt eases and the job successes increase. Feel those muscles relaxing! You deserve peace of mind too!

    Barb – Thanks, I think I am doing fine, and really I am fascinated by the dynamic; it is illustrative that our issues are independent of our needs. Employed or unemployed I struggle with balance. It fits with LOA stuff.

    Reply

  2. sarvasoap
    Feb 12, 2009 @ 23:24:09

    From one extreme to the other in so many ways. Good stress is still stress.

    Yes! Allowing yourself the gift of time to adjust to this huge change and imbalance in the opposite direction.

    It seems balance is the theme lately for many of us, doesn’t it!

    Amen – balance and breaking old patterns.

    Reply

  3. Nancy Babyak
    Feb 14, 2009 @ 02:50:12

    When I started down the path to rebuilding I found joy in a $2 coffee mug or a $5 plate and bowl set… I found it joyful to buy 1 nice thing all for my own use out of my new sparkling paychecks.

    I would use the new mug in the office in stressful meetings and I would smile to myself, “oh you people think these are issues worth your sanity? Try losing your house and only having money for this $2 mug… I know from sanity.”

    It didn’t take away all the stress or the fear… but it gave me islands of rapture to start to build the bridge back.

    I hope that you can find joy in the small… so you can find peace in your new abundance 🙂

    Nancy – I love your comment. And I do take joy in the small things – in fact I marvel at being able to buy groceries. When I got my first paycheck my son and went out for a sandwich – and I sat back after I paid the $20 bill and thought, how perfectly lovely that I can do this. Thanks for reminding me to rely on these moments when stressed.

    Reply

  4. Kat
    Mar 10, 2009 @ 22:41:54

    I just found your blog, and I am completely moved by this post. I am in a situation very similar to the one you obviously were at one point, and I can relate to the fears and stresses that you have experienced. After working so hard to pull yourself out of that you deserve a break. Relax now, you are doing wonderfully!

    Kat – thank you for reading and commenting – I look forward to reading your blog. Good luck on the journey – it is challenging – I wish I had believed in myself a little bit more during the process, it would have made life easier.

    Reply

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