When I was unemployed I had too much free time.
Waking up each morning, the day stretched out like a cross country drive with no scenery. Nothing distinguished morning from night. I functioned on auto-pilot doing the mundane necessary daily tasks until I settled onto the couch where I became stillness personified. Not the stillness that comes from peace, rather the stillness that comes from fear.
Now, I have no free time.
Waking up each morning I have a drive stretched out that bookmarks morning and night. In the office the day moves at such a pace I rarely notice anything but the files in front of me. I fly through the mundane self care tasks of my morning, hit the road (fast) mile after mile until I arrive at work, climb the stairs to my office, where (you know what’s coming) I sit still. Not the stillness of peace, rather a frenetic Ihavetofinisheverything stillness.
The constant fear of homelessness, of not having food, of not being able to do or go anywhere is easing. But guess what replaces it? The gnawing fear of not being successful enough at work; the fear of not being busy enough at work, fear even in the face of mountains of work.
I love my job; I am beyond grateful to have a job.
I am so stressed by the fact of the job in juxtaposition to the economy and factoring in my age and years left to work and debt and the bills from my hospitalization (BP 240/160) in November (no medical care/no money for docs) and utility bills and car payment bills that my neck is often in spasm and I get migraines.
Seeking balance, I balance my hours and look forward to sleep. Seeking balance I ask forgiveness of myself, for myself.
It takes time to rebuild a life where poverty has been an issue.
I need time.