Rethinking Love
15 Feb 2009 10 Comments
in Gratitude, Love sucks Tags: "I'm so glad I didn't die before I met you."
It has been (is it possible?) 3 years since I split up with No. 5; he pretty much suffocated my belief in love. For the first time in forever I couldn’t imagine loving anyone again.
Ever.
This was/is a good thing. For the first time in forever I wasn’t turning myself inside out to please someone else for a few crumbs of affection. I never looked back, but neither did I look forward.
A comment on my blog the other day got me thinking about love again. The commenter, a 5 time divorcee, noted that people make comments on the number of experiences, and, I think, wonder why she doesn’t just give up.
I, in essence gave up.
But this video made me wonder – is love still possible – still possible after baggage and bitterness, hard knocks and anger?
Have I given up too soon?
Tip of the hat to Shape+Colour for the link.
Happy Valentine’s Day
14 Feb 2009 Leave a Comment
in cats, winter Tags: Valentine's Day sucks
Pretty good likeness don't you think?
Seeking Balance
12 Feb 2009 4 Comments
in Gratitude Tags: I love my job, my job stresses me
When I was unemployed I had too much free time.
Waking up each morning, the day stretched out like a cross country drive with no scenery. Nothing distinguished morning from night. I functioned on auto-pilot doing the mundane necessary daily tasks until I settled onto the couch where I became stillness personified. Not the stillness that comes from peace, rather the stillness that comes from fear.
Now, I have no free time.
Waking up each morning I have a drive stretched out that bookmarks morning and night. In the office the day moves at such a pace I rarely notice anything but the files in front of me. I fly through the mundane self care tasks of my morning, hit the road (fast) mile after mile until I arrive at work, climb the stairs to my office, where (you know what’s coming) I sit still. Not the stillness of peace, rather a frenetic Ihavetofinisheverything stillness.
The constant fear of homelessness, of not having food, of not being able to do or go anywhere is easing. But guess what replaces it? The gnawing fear of not being successful enough at work; the fear of not being busy enough at work, fear even in the face of mountains of work.
I love my job; I am beyond grateful to have a job.
I am so stressed by the fact of the job in juxtaposition to the economy and factoring in my age and years left to work and debt and the bills from my hospitalization (BP 240/160) in November (no medical care/no money for docs) and utility bills and car payment bills that my neck is often in spasm and I get migraines.
Seeking balance, I balance my hours and look forward to sleep. Seeking balance I ask forgiveness of myself, for myself.
It takes time to rebuild a life where poverty has been an issue.
I need time.
Waiting for Spring
08 Feb 2009 5 Comments
in winter Tags: driving in snow sucks
“Every mile is two in winter. “~George Herbert
I have a substantial commute to work, and by substantial I mean long. I was not naive, I knew the commute would be tough. First off, I start work at 8 AM, and if you live an hour and fifteen minutes away (under optimal conditions) you have to start your day early, real early. I am up and on the road before most of my neighbors are stirring.
I have lived in Ohio most of my life, I am well aware of winter. I have made regular long term commutes to jobs before, but never have I experienced winter driving the likes of which January presented. Let’s talk about the -10 morning when barely 5 miles into my journey a truck spun out in front of me on I-271, nearly hitting me and leaving me shaking. I had been on the job less than a month and I didn’t think I could make it to work that day.
And I didn’t.
I ended getting off the freeway and calling my boss, whom I had assured the commute would be “no problem” to tell him I thought it was too dangerous to drive. Lucky for me, he was understanding. When we had the 10 (and I swear it was more) inches a week or so later, I persevered and made it in to work.
It took me 2 1/2 hours.
I have new respect for winter driving.
The Peaceful Transition of Power
19 Jan 2009 2 Comments
Hope is both the earliest and the most indispensable virtue inherent in the state of being alive. If life is to be sustained hope must remain, even where confidence is wounded, trust impaired.
Erik H. Erikson
The Eagle Flies
17 Jan 2009 2 Comments
in recession, unemployment, Zappos Tags: friendship, Zappos
Remember my Zappos post and pledge? In the months between then and now both Zappos and I faced some challenges. I returned my first pair because they weren’t quite perfect and then decided to wait to purchase any other shoes until I was employed. The economic slow down continued to, well, slow down, until even Tony Hsieh and Zappos had to make some tough decisions.
I saw the news of Zappos lay-offs first on Twitter, and since I follow more than a few Zappos folks, it felt very close. I respect the way Zappos handled the lay offs – folks were given severance pay and health benefits for a period of time. It re-affirmed my decision to support Zappos once I was back on my feet (no pun intended).
I sweated unemployment for a full year when in mid-December I got 2 job offers. I started work January 5th and believe me, I am on Cloud 9.
But I haven’t forgotten the experiences of the past year, or my friends at Zappos.
I needed new boots desperately but had to wait until I got paid or as those of us who live on the edge say “when the eagle flies.” I got paid, set aside for debt repayment, bought my groceries, paid some utilities and gave my friends at Zappos a call.
Well loved, well worn pink Uggs
You know their customer service is always awesome, so my order was processed awesomely and on Tuesday, January 20th as our nation welcomes historic change, so will I!
- Chocolate Uggs from Zappos!
If you want employers to treat their employees well – whether it is day to day management or when hard choices and lay offs are being made, you need to support the employers who do it right. Value and respect come with a price – the cost of doing buisness ethically and responsibly sometimes means the customer pays more. I let my pocket book do the talking with me – I am discerning where I spend my hard earned dollars.
And I am delighted that I have dollars to spend at Zappos.
By the way Tony – we have to start talking green and sustainability practices over the next year.
Meanwhile I still <3 Zappos.
The Sweetest of Holidays
21 Dec 2008 17 Comments
in angels, Gratitude, mommy Tags: friendship, Gratitude, holidays, job
I walk around with a smile plastered on my silly face these days. I am drunk with hope and joy. Anger and hurt feelings I use to nurse religiously have melted away.
Why?
I have a job.
Miracle of miracles – a job.
The answer to a million prayers – a job.
If you are unemployed you know the sheer depth of that word.
The simple joy of going to work will be mine.
This past year has been the most challenging of my life. For months I barely moved, frozen in fear of losing everything. Every noise frightened me – were they taking my car, turning off my utilities or serving legal papers? I cried myself to sleep more nights than I can count; many days I thought I couldn’t go on. I felt a failure, a terrible, awful failure.
But I did go on, sometimes in tears and more often than not a mess of tangled emotions. How I made it through is a miracle. I always had food. I kept my car. I managed to keep looking for work and be positive for interviews.
How?
Through the grace and love of friends.
Friends who called me to let me know they knew what I was going through. Friends who fed me, paid a bill, or two, or more. And my mom who never stopped listening and caring for me – even though she is a little forgetful at times.
I am so lucky, so blessed.
From the bottom of my heart – thank you.
