Day of Silence - stop name-calling of LGBT children

See why here.

A family of lost souls

Today was Son No. 1’s birthday. I wish I could write a happy, jolly, rollicking good story about food and celebration shared with family and friends, but I can’t. Not that we didn’t celebrate, because we did, only it was very subdued.

The past few months have been challenging to say the least. Divorce, job loss, stress and more stress have exacted a toll on my small family. For my boys my mom was a safe haven through the storm. She has always been their rock, so much so, that they didn’t notice that she was aging. When she fell in February they were certain that she would recover better and more sassy than ever. And she did, but once she was discharged home she began to change becoming more forgetful and fuzzy with each passing day.

Thursday morning she got it into her head she had a doctor’s appointment. First she went across the hall to her neighbor’s apartment to ask her for a ride. She became flustered when the neighbor wasn’t home, so she called her upstairs neighbor - repeatedly. Then she started calling a friend of the family. He called me. I had him take her to the ER to make sure she wasn’t having a stroke.

The fact of my mom’s decline kicks the family drama into high gear. After my brother’s death, without discussion with any other family member, my mother signed over all her health care to my brother’s widow. I objected, without success, and this woman now controls every aspect of my mother’s life.

It is heartbreaking because the bottom line is that my mom is fading and the woman who controls her destiny does not want to communicate with me. I took care of my mom during her last serious illness, now I am an outsider. I have to fight for even basic information. The isolation I feel and the hard reality of her decline break open my heart and flood my senses with memories and regret.

I am a grown woman and a child in the same instant. I am here writing this and at the same time I am back on Ravenwood walking home from school. One moment I see my mom bent with osteoporosis, struggling for words, and the next I am standing in the hallway of my childhood home answering a ringing phone the day after my father’s death.

I am here now, full of sadness and grief that I cannot share with my only living sibling, and at the same time I am a 15 year old girl, full of sadness and grief over my dad’s depression, that I try to share with him, but he’s not listening.

My family doesn’t communicate, nor do they forgive. This dynamic explains why I am constantly on alert, ready to bend my soul to fit within a constantly shifting emotional landscape. Nothing has ever been clear; nothing has ever been safe.

Son No. 1 shares the same birthday as my older brother and my father’s father (both deceased), so it is natural that birthdays bring up family history. His fiancé is a genealogy wizard and since she had just received my dad’s Navy records, the discussion turned to family history and dynamics. The discussion was made even more poignant because of the events of the past week.

Neither of my parents was raised in a stable home. My mother immigrated here when she was a teenager; her father had lived in the USA through most of her childhood. My grandmother stayed behind in Europe until he was ready to bring them here. It was not an easy life. My grandmother knew nothing of mothering; she herself was illegitimate, given away at the age of 8 to work as a servant to a distant relative. My grandmother, although loving to her grandchildren, was never very motherly towards my mom. In fact I never saw her show any affection to her only daughter. Ever.

My father’s birth mother died at the age of 29. His father remarried almost immediately to a woman who, family lore says, hated the very ground my father walked on. His home life must have been miserable because he ran away at the age of 7 to work in the circus. He returned home briefly at age 11, but was gone for good by the time he was 15.

I can’t imagine what it was like for either of them, but it sure explains the lack of laughter in our home. The knowing of their history now, against the backdrop of my mom’s fragility and the larger family dysfunction, makes me feel as though I am falling through time. I can’t get my footing.

I miss my brother. I wish I could tell him how my heart is breaking that my mom is at the end of her life. I miss being able to talk about my dad and growing up. I miss him. I miss him even though he doesn’t miss me.

Hell yeah we’re bitter

Regular readers to this blog may have noticed the prevalence of depressing posts focused on job loss, job searching, depressed economy and depressed Five Husbands. Getting me to laugh was damn near impossible. Until today. Linking from social network contact to contact I discovered the root of my unhappiness, dare I say bitterness, broken down in a pie chart that brought tears (of laughter) to my eyes courtesy of 23/6.

Tip of the hat to to MarilynM for linking to Lee Stranahan’s Obama in 30 Ad (excellent) and the happy coincidence that brought me to Bitter Pennsylvanians really bringing us all down.

Life is fleeting - what will you do?

Tip of the hat to Shape + Colour. And he is right the You Tube version doesn’t do it justice - watch the HD version to appreciate the true beauty.

The devil and the Compact to Help Ohioans to Preserve Ownership

Bill Callahan’s well stated “Now the devil is… where the devil always is” observation on the Governor’s Compact to Help Ohioans to Preserve Ownership offers a key insight to the value of these non-binding measures. The compacts are non-binding, but as Callahan points out

the servicers are committing themselves to report progress to the Commerce Department and otherwise stay engaged with Strickland, Zurz and Dann. Presumably these officials will be checking in regularly with local governments and community agencies, and looking to broker (or jawbone) cooperation where it’s lacking. Will this work? It could. The Compacts establish an agreed-upon set of benchmarks — public expectations, in effect — for good servicer behavior. These benchmarks are definitely a big improvement over the industry’s standard practices to date. The reporting obligation, combined with a strong capacity for public monitoring and feedback (at least here in Cuyahoga County), should create some pressure on the servicers to honor their “nonbinding” commitments. If they don’t, a public record of their failure will be created — a record to support the need for binding action by the State.

I read the Citi compact and agree that the benchmarks are a big improvement over standard practices, but I wonder, given the problem of unemployment, whether early contact and free nonprofit counseling will make any difference at all. I echo Callahan’s observation that the public monitoring of these nonbinding compacts will build a record to support the need for binding action by the state.

Reviewing the compact with my jaded lawyer eyes I see this:

Citi’s specially trained servicing unit will work with borrowers to find solutions short of foreclosures and try to ensure that no borrower loses his or her home.

If a borrower has the desire, ability and intent to make their mortgage payments, Citi will work with them to keep them in their home.

To the extent permissible within existing fiduciary, contractual or other legal obligations and in accordance with prudent mortgage lending and servicing practices Citi will: waive fees and/or penalties; provide fixed rate loan modifications; modify loans based on the homeowners’s ability to repay; forgive some loan principle; or assist homeowners to remove negative information on their credit reports.

But read this:

Citi’s specially trained servicing unit hey we got a 100 million dollar subsidy to pay for counseling and all those out of work lawyers come CHEAP - talk as long as you want will call work with borrowers night and day, especially on holidays and call your neighbors to put notes in your door if you don’t’ answer the phone to find solutions such as charging you a one time fee you can’t afford and add another year or two on the mortgage short of foreclosures and try to ensure that no borrower loses his or her home.

If a borrower is not one of those lazy poor people has the desire, ability and intent to make their mortgage payments, Citi will work with them to keep them in their home.

To the extent that it doesn’t affect our CEO’s huge inflated salary or upset our stockholders permissible within existing fiduciary, contractual or other legal obligations we always have a GOOD reason for not helping you and in accordance with prudent mortgage lending and servicing practices but you know that is not going to happen because we have to take what we can get before your fold Citi will: waive fees and/or penalties; provide fixed rate loan modifications; modify loans based on the homeowners’s ability to repay; forgive some loan principle; or assist homeowners to remove negative information on their credit reports, ha ha just kidding we aren’t going to do this but it makes us look good to say we will try.

Volunteer for Earth Day 2008

You still have time to get involved!

Earth Fest 2008 sponsored by Earth Day Coalition, north east Ohio’s nationally recognized leader in community-based environmental education and leadership is just around the corner. The 19th annual Earth Day celebration will be held in Cleveland on Sunday April 20, 2008 at Cleveland Metroparks Zoo, from 10:00 am to 5:00 pm. It takes hundreds of volunteers make this event possible. You still have time to be a part of making this exciting event happen.

Attend a Volunteer Orientation this coming Saturday, April 12, 2008 from 10:00 am to 11:30 am at the the Carnegie West Branch of the Cleveland Public Library:

The Carnegie West Branch of the Cleveland Public Library is located at 1900 Fulton Road (just north of the intersection of Fulton Road and Lorain Avenue), Cleveland, 44113, right across the street from the Earth Day Coalition offices.
Ample free parking on the street or in the lot located at the corner of West 38th and Bridge Avenue. RSVP by calling Earth Day Coalition at 216-281-6468.

Pangea Day - Look at the world with new eyes

Tip of the hat to Shape and Colour for this gem. Pangea Day, May 10th, uses the power of film to bring people divided by borders, difference, and conflict to the realization that we are all the same.

it’s easy to lose sight of what we all have in common. Pangea Day seeks to overcome that — to help people see themselves in others — through the power of film.

On May 10, 2008 — Pangea Day — sites in Cairo, Kigali, London, Los Angeles, Mumbai, and Rio de Janeiro will be linked to produce a 4-hour program of powerful films, visionary speakers, and uplifting music. The program will be broadcast live to the world through the Internet, television, digital cinemas, and mobile phones.

Pangea is the name of the original super-continent which contained all the world’s land mass before the continents started splitting apart 250 million years ago. We’re launching Pangea Day with the vision that the people of the world can begin to overcome their divisions, and that the power of film can help make it possible.

Movies can’t change the world. But the people who watch them can.

On May 10, we want the whole world to be watching the Pangea Day program. Join an extraordinary community of people who are coming together to do just that by hosting an event.

You can host a Pangea Day event in your home, school, town square, or wherever you want to gather your friends, family, and community.

Visit www.pangeaday.org/events.php and plot your event on our map today! And check out our website www.pangeaday.org for more information.

Give me a V! shaped recession

Why I am praying for an V-shaped recession

Future DIL, who is smart as a whip and who works in the banking industry, and I were discussing sub prime lending, the foreclosure crisis and the economy. She argued, and I agree with her, that sub prime lending is not the cause of the current foreclosure crisis. Unemployment is. The fact of the matter is, no matter what ridiculous interest rate you are paying, if you have a job you pay your bills. The folks that are going under these days are not your typical credit risks. That is not to say that sub prime lending isn’t predatory or just plain awful, it simply is one part of a very complex picture.

She directed me to Mish’s Global Economic Trend Analysis; I urge you to check it out for a readable analysis of current financial trends. You need to understand to work for meaningful change.

Now for Five Husbands (back) Story Hour

The L word as in Law, Long and Protracted and Lost

I graduated from law school in 1990. The world wide recession that began with black Monday in 1987 had, by then, taken firm hold in the USA.

The catch phrase from that year was “I wish I could help you” as in when my torts professor told me that the days were gone when he could pick up a phone and get a promising young law student a job. I think he was telling the truth, that he couldn’t help me find a job because of the recession, but I have my doubts. This was the self same professor known not so affectionately as “high C Cohen” because of his predilection for giving otherwise high achieving students C’s. He gave Five Husbands, then known as Two Husbands, a C in torts.

It was a devastating blow.

I was a single mother divorced from a seriously abusive alcoholic who never paid a dime of child support. My first year of law school, the year of the “high C,” I was working full time in my previous career, attending law school and raising my boy. This involved juggling work and driving interminable miles to take Son. No. 1 to his Nanny’s so I could study.

Until that time if you had asked me about sleep, I would have told you it is a take it or leave it kind of thing, but after I started law school, sleep took on the élan of a clandestine affair. I dreamed of sleep when I wasn’t sleeping, I yearned for it, I would have sold my soul for a full night of it. I went without it though, because I wanted to be a big firm lawyer. I was driven.

I loved law school; I loved the study of it, the cameraderie and the intellectual challenge. I loved the education, but my decision to go was fueled by a desire for economic security. I thought a law degree would insure a good life for me and my boy. Turns out my C in torts and the L shaped recession decided otherwise.

I graduated with honors, but not summa cum laude, which was necessary, given my choice no choice of a mid-tier law school, to garner big firm offers. Aggravating my employment situation was my new marriage to Husband No. 3 and pregnancy with Son. No. 2, both of which coincided with my third year interviews.

If you think they don’t ask the questions they are not allowed to ask you are just plain wrong - I was asked whether I planned on having more children, and even though I did not disclose my pregnancy, I didn’t get any offers.

Graduation passed. Son No. 2was born and the Gulf War was starting. There I was an honors graduate, newly admitted to the bar, with a a beautiful bouncing baby boy and Son No. 1 who hoped the long hard years of mommy always being busy were over. Husband No. 3 wanted me to work, after all I had the credentials, but there were no jobs, good or otherwise. A fellow law graduate was delivering my newspaper - it was that bleak.

After about 10 months of Husband No. 3 doggedly asking every other lawyer he knew if they had a job for me, I found work. And it was work - I toiled in a windowless office day and night for fifteen dollars an hour. My boss was an old school lawyer who told everyone I worked “part time” because he afforded me the flexibility to stay home when my baby was sick.

I billed 2600 hours of part time for him that first year.

My first job dictated my second job and each job thereafter. For me, and for many of the folks I graduated with, the experience of that recession has had a long term effect on earnings and employment stability. So today, as a I do piecemeal work for other lawyers who are fortunate enough to have stable practices, for an hourly rate not much more than what I earned all those years ago in my first job, I hope that the experts are right and that this is a V shaped recession.

But, but truth be told, I feel like I have been living an L one since 1987.

When you want to smell like death

Happily reading my daily Mommy Wants Vodka I stumbled  upon a comment mentioning “Demented Fragrances” offering scents like Dirt, Tomato Leaf, Gin & Tonic, Play-Doh and Crayon. Hey count me in - I googled “demented perfume” and discovered 3 things. First I had read the name incorrectly - it was “Demeter” perfume. Second, “Demented” would have been more appropriate. Three, the reason why:

“Funeral Home is a blend of classic white flowers: lilies, carnations, gladiolus, chrysanthemums with stems and leaves, with a hint of mahogany [cadaver] and oriental carpet. This scent actually started out to be Flower Show. Now our founding perfumer personally did NOT like most white flowers so this was a tough fragrance for him to develop, so he consulted on it with partner, Christopher Gable. When he first smelled this one, Christopher Gable exclaimed “It smells like my Grandfather’s funeral… Let’s call it Funeral Home!” So we did.”

Just to be clear - I added “cadaver.”

Lightning Strikes Twice

I feel time shifting under my feet and it is making me crazy. I didn’t think growing older would be such a big issue but then is anyone really prepared for the unholy things the lack of estrogen does to a body? I am thinking about my boys and how we live and the impact of decisions and what can I do to insure they know their strength and worth even in spite of a multitude of challenges.

Son No. 1 is engaged to a lovely woman whose story would melt any mother’s heart. The eldest daughter of drug addicts she raised three siblings when she was a child herself. Against all odds, and without the benefit of formal education, she is an IT executive. And yes, the barons of industry take full advantage of her first rate intellect and lack of degree by paying her less than she is worth. She works hard; he works hard and they can’t get a break. This weekend both of their crappy vehicles bit the dust - I know it is stupid of me to rail against the heavens but why, why when it is already so hard - why must it be harder?

I don’t have the energy to direct you to the posts of banking practices designed to keep the downtrodden down where they belong, but I am referring to the all the same issues that I have blogged about before. Credit reporting is done by private companies accountable to no one and credit rules your life. Get behind and stay behind. And when you are behind the smallest thing can pull you under and if you have a small family as we do, where someone who would love to help me , can’t, it makes for a hard afternoon.

Son No. 1 and I were trying to figure out what we could do to get everyone through this time - and, in the course of conversation he said something very important -

“Anyone with enough power and money today can become a robber baron” And he is right - when I think of the many many folks with big bucks and the back stories of how they came to have it - he is right - they are nothing but robber barons. Yet, they garner accolades and praise.

Yes sometimes these people give big to charity but they break plenty of backs on their way to the giving. And if they weren’t such SOB’s maybe there wouldn’t need to be so much corporate charity.

I am done venting - I will probably erase this later, but for now here it is raw and honest - my 1AM despair.