Building with Circles

….to my son
Darkness has its place in art and life but you take it to extremes. Lighten up and remember that there were good times and goodness.I think about you every day. Still sing your praises, still believe in you.

posted at 5:52 PM 0 comments

Has it been two years since I have had something to say? …

And it would appear that I have had nothing to say in those two years. So, unleash the word hounds, and let me vent. I think I started writing this blog with the high minded ideal that I would explore, with keen insight and deep compassion, the culture of divorce. A culture to which I myself have made 4, you read it right folks, 4 contributions. In evaluating my knowledge and expertise on the subject you must include the following: 2 children, one each by husbands 2 and 3; 2 careers, the first spanning 2 marriages and the second badly financing the third and fourth divorce; one bachelor’s degree, one master’s degree and one law degree, none paid for by an ex-husband, and none which developed into a career paying enough to obviate the need for the 5th husband.I also have one dysfunctional family of origin, I know, don’t we all.

I always say, it might make a good screenplay, but it is hard living it. I am the new suburban poor. Living paycheck to paycheck because, like many single mothers, I maxed out my credit cards. And not for Fendi, usually for food, or medicine, or tuition. And once you are behind, and you have children, it is very hard to play the catch up game. Your friends might want to help, but the truth is, they’re all just getting by. Even the ones with husbands who work. It is just plain hard to make enough money to raise a family.

So, if you are a single mom, or like me, a mom married to a man, not the father of my children, how do you convey the need to take the day off work if your child is sick? How do you manage to celebrate a holiday, in a house filled with family and friends, when you’re broke and your new husband doesn’t value that family stuff. How do you survive, and stay hopeful, because you want your children to believe in the possibility, of a warm and supportive family.I pretend, and sometimes I am really good at it. When I remember, I take joy where ever I find it. And I bank it in the “mother love account” - you know the feeling when you are at the swim meet, the baseball game and your cheering the kidlet on, or it is a Saturday morning with nothing to but hang out and enjoy breakfast. Or the best, those long summer nights when you eavesdrop by the window while you wash dishes and listen to your kids, even the older ones, pontificate and then giggle while they sit outside and spit sunflower seeds.These times make up for all those other times - you know when payday is a week away and there is no food. Or your car payment is so late every grinding noise outside makes you jump because you are afraid, and embarrassed, that it might be the repo man. Something you never thought you would have to worry about. Or the utilities are shut off and you need a deposit to get them turned back on. And how expensive it is to keep a roof over your head.

And even in all this you realize you are one of the lucky ones. Because as hard as you have it, at least you have an education, and you live in a good neighborhood, and hope that this will be temporary. And if your ex doesn’t pay enough child support, at least he pays and your children have health insurance. And sometimes you have friends who make a safe harbor. A place you can be fed and just sit, for a few hours. A lot of single moms don’t have that. And you send out a prayer for them and wonder what right you have to complain.

So, no answers, no high ideals. Just another woman, getting by.

posted by jelinore at 8:57 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, August 10, 2004
august children

It wasn’t quite instant but it is KARMA nonetheless - my oldest child. Heartache and more heartache. Nothing I know for sure about him except that every disappointment is etched indelibly on his soul. And mine.

posted by jelinore at 9:07 PM 3 comments
Friday, July 02, 2004

broken dreams - view from the inside
Every day it seems I say those words - you do it for the kids, whatever it is you feel, get used to it, everyone does, but you made the choice - you married him/her. Children pay the price.

I know the story, pass off on holidays, quibble over orthodontics, pay to much, pay too little, everyone is hurting.

No easy answers and the battlefields this 4th of July are everywhere - in Iraq, incomprehensible what our children are living, what our children are living through who serve, incomprehensible to imagine being a parent of a soldier. So hey, savor freedom this holiday, open your heart and send some joyful thoughts to those far away.

Look at that blue sky and breathe the air of freedom and say thank you. Think about those who look at the sky and are not free, whether bound by chains or hatred or ignorance. Practice forgiveness - on a personal scale, on a global scale.

And while you are at it, be mindful of your children’s struggles as they split holidays and vacations and carry their belongings from mom’s house to dad’s house and back again.

There is too much conflict. Be a force of peace. What could it hurt?