in time of daffodils(who know
the goal of living is to grow)
forgetting why,remember how
in time of lilacs who proclaim
the aim of waking is to dream,
remember so(forgetting seem)
in time of roses(who amaze
our now and here with paradise)
forgetting if,remember yes
in time of all sweet things beyond
whatever mind may comprehend,
remember seek(forgetting find)
and in a mystery to be
(when time from time shall set us free)
forgetting me,remember me
–e.e. cummings
Yellow Daffodil
You have no idea the delight of a full shopping cart or sitting across a restaurant table sharing a meal with my son or being able to say yes – those $31 dollar jeans – yes we can get those.
I pay the phone bill, the gas bill, the electric bill and I marvel at how blessed I am to have found a job.
I take nothing for granted, but oh how I enjoy the pleasure of these small things.
It has been (is it possible?) 3 years since I split up with No. 5; he pretty much suffocated my belief in love. For the first time in forever I couldn’t imagine loving anyone again.
Ever.
This was/is a good thing. For the first time in forever I wasn’t turning myself inside out to please someone else for a few crumbs of affection. I never looked back, but neither did I look forward.
A comment on my blog the other day got me thinking about love again. The commenter, a 5 time divorcee, noted that people make comments on the number of experiences, and, I think, wonder why she doesn’t just give up.
I, in essence gave up.
But this video made me wonder – is love still possible – still possible after baggage and bitterness, hard knocks and anger?
Have I given up too soon?
Tip of the hat to Shape+Colour for the link.
When I was unemployed I had too much free time.
Waking up each morning, the day stretched out like a cross country drive with no scenery. Nothing distinguished morning from night. I functioned on auto-pilot doing the mundane necessary daily tasks until I settled onto the couch where I became stillness personified. Not the stillness that comes from peace, rather the stillness that comes from fear.
Now, I have no free time.
Waking up each morning I have a drive stretched out that bookmarks morning and night. In the office the day moves at such a pace I rarely notice anything but the files in front of me. I fly through the mundane self care tasks of my morning, hit the road (fast) mile after mile until I arrive at work, climb the stairs to my office, where (you know what’s coming) I sit still. Not the stillness of peace, rather a frenetic Ihavetofinisheverything stillness.
The constant fear of homelessness, of not having food, of not being able to do or go anywhere is easing. But guess what replaces it? The gnawing fear of not being successful enough at work; the fear of not being busy enough at work, fear even in the face of mountains of work.
I love my job; I am beyond grateful to have a job.
I am so stressed by the fact of the job in juxtaposition to the economy and factoring in my age and years left to work and debt and the bills from my hospitalization (BP 240/160) in November (no medical care/no money for docs) and utility bills and car payment bills that my neck is often in spasm and I get migraines.
Seeking balance, I balance my hours and look forward to sleep. Seeking balance I ask forgiveness of myself, for myself.
It takes time to rebuild a life where poverty has been an issue.
I need time.
I walk around with a smile plastered on my silly face these days. I am drunk with hope and joy. Anger and hurt feelings I use to nurse religiously have melted away.
Why?
I have a job.
Miracle of miracles – a job.
The answer to a million prayers – a job.
If you are unemployed you know the sheer depth of that word.
The simple joy of going to work will be mine.
This past year has been the most challenging of my life. For months I barely moved, frozen in fear of losing everything. Every noise frightened me – were they taking my car, turning off my utilities or serving legal papers? I cried myself to sleep more nights than I can count; many days I thought I couldn’t go on. I felt a failure, a terrible, awful failure.
But I did go on, sometimes in tears and more often than not a mess of tangled emotions. How I made it through is a miracle. I always had food. I kept my car. I managed to keep looking for work and be positive for interviews.
How?
Through the grace and love of friends.
Friends who called me to let me know they knew what I was going through. Friends who fed me, paid a bill, or two, or more. And my mom who never stopped listening and caring for me – even though she is a little forgetful at times.
I am so lucky, so blessed.
From the bottom of my heart – thank you.
Buddha’s eyes are shown to remind us to have compassion towards all living creatures. Hither and Yon
Look around, these are hard times. People who never in a million years thought they would be out of a job, are looking for work. Those lucky enough to have a job are still reeling after a year of gas prices that can best be described as obscene. Now winter is upon us making it even harder for families to make ends meet. To top it off, it is the holidays.
How can we celebrate this season, however we celebrate it, in the midst of all this suffering?
The answer is – we celebrate mindfully – with open eyes and an open heart.
First we look, without turning away, at what our neighbors and communities are experiencing – then we do something within our celebrations, however small, to make a difference.
How to share your celebration
Shop mindfully – support those merchants and artists who give back to the local and global community.
Give your shopping dollar twice the impact – buy from merchants who share the wealth and resources this holiday season. Closest to my heart is Cleveland Heights merchant City Buddha (the first presents my youngest son gave me were from City Buddha’s Ohio City Store – one particularly lean year he gave me a Buddha Sticker with an offer of a free meal on the reverse side – I never redeemed it) who is sponsoring a month long food drive. Bring a nonperishable food item and not only will you get a 5% discount on your purchase, City Buddha will deliver the food and match that 5% with a cash donation to the Cleveland Foodbank. Get the details here – City Buddha’s Buddha’s Bowl Food Drive
Think outside the gift box with certificate for services. You may not realize how big an impact you can make with a certificate for a hair cut, beauty services or massage and healing to someone in need. More importantly, you probably don’t realize how much the service providers give, sometimes anonymously, to the community. You know they are top on your list when you need a donation for your silent auctions and raffles. You can thank them, and make sure they will be there the next time you need them, by buying gift certificates. It’s time to give back.
My recommendations:
Lorna Richman, craniosacral therapist, licensed massage therapist and Reiki master. Lorna is a gifted healer, craniosacral therapist and teacher. You can make an appointment with Lorna by calling 216 371 2321. Be sure to check out her free classes this January at the Coventry library.
Neal Szpatura, Tarot Reader, Shamanic Practitioner and writer. Neal is more than a psychic, he is an intuitive life coach, a law of attraction teacher and all round mensch. You can contact Neal at 216 371 3433 or by email to nealdragon @ aol.com. Check out his website – Shamanspath (Internet Explorer only) and his Shamanspath’s blog (be sure to sign up for his daily inspirational email). For a special holiday treat listen to Neal’s original radio play “Alexandra, the Christmas Imp” on WKSU.
Sarva Natural Soaps are exquisite works of practical art created by local artisan Michelle Gilbert. Made in small quantities with the highest quality ingredients everyone on your holiday list will feel blessed by these treasures – I know I do.
Cut Hair Studio – a friendly and hip neighborhood shop offering quality service with kindness. An hour spent at Cut will make you look good and feel good.
For the readers on your list, choose local writer and activist Christopher Barzak’s new novel – The Love We Share Without Knowing. Double your local impact by buying it (and his first novel – One For Sorrow) at Jospeh Beth Booksellers.
Thanks to Web 2.0 sometimes the community that sustains us is global. I have been blessed with kindness from Ophelia Chong over this past very difficult year. She is an artist whose visual and written work is stunning and a reflection of her magnificent heart. You can see more of Ophelia’s work on Flickr.
Additional suggestions:
Bazaar Bizarre – Indie crafts from local artisans
Buy DIY for the holidays and support local artists! Bazaar Bizarre, Cleveland’s fabulous original indie craft show takes place Saturday December 13th from noon to 9:00 p.m., and Sunday December 14th from noon to 6:00 p.m. You may remember the building complex (former home of 1300 Gallery) from the first Cleveland BazBiz shows, but the entrance is in a different location this year: 78th Street Studios: 1300 W. 78th St to 1305 W. 80th St., North parking lot, North entrance — accessible from W. 78th OR W 80th St.
Cool Cleveland publishes a northeast Ohio holiday shopping guide – check it out here before you head to the big box stores.
Thank you to Jill Finlayson from Social Edge, a program of the Skoll Foundation, for dropping by and sharing another unique gift guide – the Holiday Gift Guide for Social Entrepreneurs 2008. From the gift of Transparency to the gift of Social Return on Investment, Jill offers the perfect wish list for all social entrepreurs. Whether you are in the nonprofit arena or engaged in change through advocacy in the for profit world, Social Edge should be in your RSS feed.
Cleveland, I love you.
I love you from the gritty parking lots of the flats to the boarded up houses standing like bookends in neighborhoods struggling to survive. I love you because even though you are hurting and depressed you pulled yourself up and got to the polls. I love you because given the opportunity you voted early downtown at the Board of Elections after work, day after day after day through the month of October. I love you because on November 4, 2008, you got up at the break of dawn to stand in line in the cold and dark for hours so you could mark that circle and make history. I love you because you got there even though you were sick, or just had a baby, or were so bent from age and years of hard work it took you 15 minutes to walk the 100 yards from your car to the polling place.
I love you because, even before November 4th, you knocked on doors, made phone calls and kept faith, even when you were attacked. I love you because you shared your heart with me over these past 6 weeks when you committed to making sure Ohio went to Obama.
And what a heart you have.
You embraced with kindness the hundreds of volunteers who came to our city.
You stood in line hours and hours to vote, without complaint.
Your children stood with you, hours and hours, without complaint.
You drove you grandmother to the polls, and walked her ever so patiently to the booth so she could vote.
You hadn’t voted in 30 years, and even though you suspected your one vote would not matter, you couldn’t stay home.
You stood outside the polling places cheering and celebrating your friends and neighbors who came to vote.
You were a brand new grandmother driving your daughter and her newborn home from the hospital, and because the hospital discharged her before she could vote, you stopped at the polls and made arrangements for her to vote so that her baby could have a brighter future.
You came even when you couldn’t vote because you wanted to part of history.
And you were – all of you.
This post is dedicated to the 15 year old boy who stood outside the polls on Kinsman, dancing with joy, and who said “I want to vote for Obama – he needs me, but I can’t I’m only 15.”
You stood there in the cold with the Obama volunteers until the polls closed; you inspired them. You inspired me too even though I couldn’t say anything then, you were adorable! Your mother should be very proud.
Remember, everyone told you to keep believing, that you would be able to vote (and work) for Obama’s re-election.
They were right , yes you can, because Cleveland and Ohio did what needed to be done.
Be proud.
* I worked the polls as a neutral volunteer on election day, so I couldn’t say or do anything to show my support for Obama. It was tough, but I honored the directive; I even removed my Obama bumper sticker. The day went smoothly in all the districts I attended. By the end of the day I regretted my decision to work the non-partisan end, I would have had much more fun as a lawyer for Obama’s campaign.
And they were extraordinary. From the hundreds of people standing in line outside cramped polling places, patiently waiting for the doors to open, to the two young guys who made it in two vote for Obama with barely two minutes left to go.
Any partisan conversations I shared were conducted after the polls closed and my duties as a neutral volunteer were complete.
My son is participating in a leadership conference this weekend. Parents were invited to send letters to their children to be opened as a surprise during the weekend. One of the many stresses of long term unemployment and poverty is that opportunities like this get jumbled and mixed up. His dad can afford to buy/do/provide what he needs – I cannot.
This sets up stress. He walks and lives in 2 different worlds. His father’s, where their home is a McMansion and his archetypal stepmother doesn’t work, has a trust fund and gets weekly massages and manicures at home and mine, his childhood home (still owned by dad), where I live rent free in lieu of child support, and where, since I lost my job, there are no frills and sometimes, not even the necessities.
His father works hard, makes a good living, but has always balked at paying additional child support and I made a decision early on not to put my child through the pain of litigation over that issue. In retrospect, I think it was a mistake, but with only 8 months until he leaves for college, it is water over the dam. I think in not fighting for what could have made my life, and by association his life, better, I think I lost his respect. Without a job, and struggling to keep my car, food on the table and the lights on, sometimes I feel I have nothing to offer him. When he tells me how his dad is spending all this money on college application fees, I die a little inside that I, in spite of all my education and skills, cannot help.
The worst pain is that in the day to day stress of trying to survive, sometimes I feel like all I give him is pain. This letter is my attempt to give him something more.
Open letter to my son.
My darling boy,
It seems I am always running to catch up – last week when the school’s request came to write a letter to be presented to you this weekend, you were unsure about going so I didn’t do it. But here in between breakfast and driving you to school I am stealing a few moments to let you know how proud I am of you.
You are an extraordinary young man – full of courage and heart. You work hard and you play hard. These traits are not new – you have always embraced the challenge and joy life brought to your plate. Never lose your passion for sport – it nourishes your spirit and keeps you safe from the inevitable stress of life. Never lose your ability to savor joy in every moment, no matter how small, because this will keep you optimistic when life becomes challenging.
You are my pride and my joy – I know you are your father’s as well. I am sorry for the troubles that my life and my choices have placed on your shoulders. With deep humility I ask that you not let these troubles make you bitter or hard, rather open your heart so that within the pain you feel and see every day, you grow in compassion and strength.
You do not have to be cold and dispassionate to get things done. The truly strong are not afraid to really see the pain and struggles of their fellow human beings. When you know and feel what those around you are dealing with, you have the opportunity to lift them up, and in lifting them up, you create strong relationships. This is true in family, business and community.
Honey, you have all the qualities of a great leader. As you continue to mature and grow, don’t ignore any aspect of who you are. Your spirituality is just as important as your physical strength. Your compassion is just as important as your intellect.
I am so proud of you – I love you very much.
Mommy
Son No. 2 and I voted early today – I am volunteering for Protect the Vote on election day and he is working the polls. The experience of driving down to the Board of Elections was exciting, we talked issues and candidates, and about the feeling of hope.
His first presidential vote
An early vote for Obama
After I got home @QueenofSpain twittered a link to this video – I think Charles summarized quite beautifully why I am so proud to be a part of this historic election.
